Glenn Quagmire
Story Girl: Wow, that was great! Quagmire: Yeah, it was! See ya. Girl: But you said we'd get married! Quagmire: Nah, I only said that so that you'd ga-googity my gaschmorgen. '' '''Glenn Quagmire' is the sex-crazed pervert neighbor of the Griffins. Quagmire is a former ensign of the U.S. Navy, where he met Peter (although in Meet the Quagmires, they are both listed as the same age and attend the country club dance.). He currently works as an airline pilot. Quagmire is 5 feet, 8 inches tall, currently resides at 29 Spooner Street, Quahog, Rhode Island, and according to a recent episode "FOX-y Lady", he is 61 years old (he makes himself look younger by consuming carrots). He has pictures of Lois in his house, including on the inside of his closet door. He was once arrested for peeping on Lois in the girls' bathroom. He once said that if he could be with any woman in the world, he would choose Taylor Hanson, not realizing that Taylor Hanson is actually a guy. During a stint on The Bachelorette, Quagmire brought Brooke to his mother's, where he wanted a three-way with them. This hint at an incestous relationship with his mother could answer several questions about Quagmire's sexual obsessions (though raising many more). Quagmire is often seen saying 'all right' while rocking his head back and forwards in an amusing way. He was also briefly married to a maniac named Joan. She died after clutching onto Death's arm. Quagmire is currently a widower, although this is no problem for him, as he can now get it on with more girls, without having to worry about cheating. It is also shown that Quagmire also engages in necrophilia; this is shown in such situations as when Death killed Joan in "I Take Thee Quagmire", he asked if he could leave the body with him for 5 minutes, and he is shown jumping out of a coffin half-naked in a DVD-only scene in "Airport '07." He has a foot fetish. According to the Las Vegas CD, Quagmire has had sex with at least 600 women. He also occasionally visits the local prison so he can have sex with the female prisoners. Aside from Stewie, Quagmire seems to be the fans second favorite character. Quagmire also seems to have an affinity with rape because in Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?, when Stewie pretends to be a cheerleader he encounters a gagged cheerleader in the male toilets and appears ready to have sex with her. He has a son in Madrid, Spain ("Peter's Got Woods") despite claiming never to have had sex with a Spanish woman (however, it is possible he does not know the difference since he was with Tricia Takanawa when he made the claim) who greatly resembles Quagmire, but with a snappy mustache and a ponytail; he also seems to have several illegitimate children in Quahog, some of whom go to Martin Mull Elementary school ("Tales of a Third Grade Nothing"). In "Emission Impossible", when Peter and Lois asked Quagmire to watch their kids, he agreed, but began to say, "In accordance with Megan's Law, I'm required to inform you that..." before cutting himself off and accepting the children anyway. This suggests that Quagmire is a registered sex offender. In the episode "Baby Not On Board", Quagmire gets an erection from watching the DirecTV help video. When Cleveland asks if there is anything that does not turn Quagmire on, we find out that the answer is "people who say the word 'rubbish' when they mean 'garbage'." Quagmire also has his own theme song, as seen in "Breaking Out is Hard to Do" and "Airport '07", although the theme song is only shown on the DVD version of the latter episode. It usually starts off with an announcer saying "Who else but Quagmire?", and then it goes into an opening sequence featuring his face against a background of changing colors, while studio singers sing the theme song, with Quagmire singing the last line; :He's Quagmire, Quagmire :You never really know what he's gonna do next :He's Quagmire, Quagmire :Giggity giggity giggity giggity, let's have sex! The sequence then cuts to a setting that is supposed to be entirely serious. So far, a fancy dinner party and a funeral for a young woman who died a virgin have been shown. Quagmire will then perform an outrageous act, much to the surprise of the bystanders. During the dinner party sequence, where he was dressed as a waiter, he stripped down to his underwear and danced upon the table. During the funeral, he popped out of the coffin in his underwear and danced offscreen, implying that he had sex with the corpse. The presumed "closing credits" sequence is almost identical to the opening sequence, except the theme song is performed thusly; :He's Quagmire, Quagmire :Giggity giggity goo! Quagmire has been shown to be extremely affectionate with animals, specifically a cat he named James in "420." Quagmire came across as obsessive about his new pet, making his friends sign a birthday card for his cat. Tragically, when Quagmire went to Vermont to buy a present for James, Peter, Cleveland, and Joe, go over to Quagmire's to shave James as a prank, which backfired when Peter accidentally stabs James. Peter reveals this when Quagmire offers an award for knowing where James is simply to take the award. Memorable Quotes *"OH" *"Giggity." (possibly the most recognizable and most infamous catchphrase on the show; often followed by repeated "Giggitys" and then a "Goo.") *"All Right." *"Tuesdays in the 80's I was always in bed by 8:00... and home by 11:00." *(As Bill Clinton) "My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gigoogity that girl. I geschmoigiddied her geflavaty with my googus, and I am sorry." *"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'U' and 'I' together." *"You must be the parking ticket, cos' you got fine written all over you." *"I don't want to get between you, or do I?" *"Fat chicks need love too... but they gotta pay!" *"What's all the noise, boys?, I was just jerk....ed out of a sound sleep." *"I felt guilty too once, but then she woke up halfway through." *"Well, hel-Lois! Forgive me for pointing." *"Does this look like a Q to you?" (while showing Peter his pubic hair) *"Dear diary--Jackpot!" *"I've never been with a Spanish chick before... Olé!" (This can also be translated as 'Oh-Lay!' Note that when he said this, Glenn was actually having sex with Tricia Takanawa, who is Japanese.) *"Heh, heh, awwwww right" *Auctioneer: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. :Quagmire: Fifty bucks. :Auctioneer: She had nine STDs. :Quagmire: Forty-five bucks. :Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself. :Quagmire:...Fifty bucks. *"Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in a window this time." (after getting his penis stuck in a window) *"What the hell is CPR?" (after reviving a woman by performing CPR) *"I got a question for you too - why are you still here?" (after a woman in Quagmire's bed had just asked him what he does for a living) *Peter: If you could be with any woman in the world, who would it be? :Quagmire: Taylor Hanson. :Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy. :Quagmire: Laughs You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire." :Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire. :Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible. :Pause :Quagmire: Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God. *"Hello, and welcome to another edition of Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus. Norman Mailer's here to read an excerpt from his latest book. And we also have a girl from Omaha hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity giggity. Giggity goo. Stick around." *"Here's to the Drunken Clam, where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!" *"Hey Peter, do you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody. :Peter: Uhh let's see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D." :Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it. *Quagmire: Oh, Lois, I'd do everything to you. :Lois: What? :Quagmire: I'd do anything for you. *Peter:Hey, guys! Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky. :Quagmire: Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me? :Lady: I'm with my husband. :Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero! :(Husband punches Quagmire.) :Quagmire: Little violent for you, don't you think? :(Husband punches Quagmire again.) :Quagmire: I'll be right over there. *Chris: I don't think I like feet as much as you do. :Quagmire: Everybody likes feet. *Quagmire: (to a lesbian) "So you chicks ever been penetrated?" --- he gets kicked outside and lands outside of the club *''(Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland are checking out the surveillance equipment in the new police van. Peter accidentally turns it up too high and Quagmires thoughts begin to come through their headsets.)'' :Quagmire (Thinking): Damn this itches. I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station. Last time I do somebody a favor. (Eyes widen) Oh God, they must have heard me. OH GOD, I can hear me! (Begins frantically humming the ''Stars and Stripes Forever).'' *Random Woman: But you said we were going to get married! :Quagmire: Heh, I only said that so you would Gigoogity my Gishmoigen! *Brian (sniffing his crotch) "You just got back from Manila, you had Lumpia for dinner, then you had sex with two Fillipino women...(sniffs again)...and a man." :Quagmire: " Heh...you mean THREE Fillipino women..." followed by an awkward pause, "Ehhhhhhh!!!" *Peter: Quagmire leaving a prison cell "Quagmire, what are you doing here?" :Quagmire: Oh, it's conjugal visit day. You know I love doing a woman in the can. Oh! Giggity giggity giggity goo! :Announcer: Who else but Quagmire? :Singers: He's Quagmire, Quagmire :You never really know what he's gonna do next :He's Quagmire, Quagmire :Quagmire: Giggity giggity giggity giggity, let's have sex! *Quagmire: (Upon waking up to the sight of a giraffe with its head stuck into Quagmire's bedroom window.) "Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait, WHOA! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night!" *(Quagmire is in bed with some chick and a missile goes through his roof) :Quagmire: To answer your question something like that. *Quagmire: hey there, sweetie, how old are you? :Connie: 16 :Quagmire: 18? You're first :Connie: Mom! :Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggity, giggity, gi-ggi-ty! *Peter: Wait a second, you were born in 1948?!(after Quagmire hands him his license) Quagmire:Uh,yes Peter: You're 61 years old?! Quagmire: Uh,yes,sir. Cleveland: Whats your secret? Quagmire: Uh, carrots... sometimes I grind them up into juice or just eat 'em raw... Or insert then anally. 'Long as I get 'em inside my body somehow. Relatives *Mrs. Quagmire (mother) *Mittens (cat) *Quagmire's son *Joan Quagmire (suicidal wife, deceased) killed by Death *A White Third Grader (illegitmate son) *A Retarded Third Grader (illegitimate son) *Hispanic Third Grader (illegitimate son) *Lois Quagmire {nee Pewterschmidt} (alternate reality wife) *Chris Quagmire (alternate reality son) *Meg Quagmire (alternate reality daughter) *Stewie Quagmire (alternate reality son) *A Spanish man (illegitimate son) *James (Cat, deceased) Quagmire, Glenn